Cooking, Cookies, and Crescent Rose
by writersblock159
Summary: RWBY is well known for their late training days. The idea that Ruby might make dinner for them if they're apart is both heartwarming, and concerning. Especially with the way Yang is laughing about her sister's cooking, and the requirement for sacrifices of sugar? Blake is only on board as long as there's no real danger. But it's Ruby, and if there isn't danger, she'll cook some up!


**Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes over my recent piece. It may see an update soonish depending on my headspace.**

**But enough of that! I have good, funny things to write here! And it's entirely my Beta Aer's fault. There are direct quotes from her and her (in)ability to cook, including but not limited to 'looks like bloody vomit' and other such appetizing things.**

**And she wonders why _I_ cook.**

**Disclaimer: What must I do to prove I own none of these characters? Eat pizza? Create alternate universes? Rewrite reality?**

**...Cook Like Ruby?**

* * *

"_So don't become some background noise_

_A backdrop for the girls and boys_

_Who just don't know or just don't care_

_And just complain when you're not there"_

_Radio Gaga- Queen_

* * *

Blake peeked out from behind the bushes she was using to conceal herself.

Yang was standing, apparently unconcerned, no cover nearby, and it was maybe twenty-five feet from her to the still concealed cat faunus.

Not ideal, but far from inconvenient.

Scanning the clearing for the Schnee heiress, Blake bit back a growl at the lack of white hair in her vision. Weiss was nowhere to be seen, and that was the last thing she needed.

She checked her watch, two minutes until the other girl was _supposed _to be in position. Assuming all had gone well.

And when did that ever happen?

Cursing her luck, she continued to strain her eyes, looking for any sign of the white haired girl. She and Weiss had a bit of a wager riding on their ability to take down Yang. Winning wasn't just for bragging rights this time. The bet the three of them had made would see the loser(s) embarrassed for quite some time.

Especially if pictures got out.

Glancing back at her watch she saw she was out of time. Any longer, and Yang might get suspicious and start shooting into bushes. An unorthodox method of getting her hunters out of the foliage, but it was effective.

It had started a few fires, but it worked.

Deciding that, even if Weiss wasn't already in position, she could at least act as a diversion, Blake soundlessly drew her blade. Moving silently through the treetops, she was nearly on top of Yang when the blonde girl looked straight up at her and _winked_.

Oh that was just not fair.

That was as far as her thoughts got before there was a massive explosion below her feet and the limb that had been supporting her plummeted to the ground. Hurling her chain forward into the forest Blake felt the solid impact of it hitting something. Pulling it taut she prepared to swing down, and hopefully on to her opponent, when the brawler turned and fired into the woods...right into the tree she had used as an anchor.

Okay, now Yang was just being mean.

Blake hit the ground _hard_, losing her breath and her bearings on impact. The world was spinning, and her opponent was languidly walking toward her, when a white blur flew out and blindsided the brawler. Or seemed to at least. Yang didn't look as though she had been expecting an attack from that quarter, but she met the challenge Weiss was putting out admirably, blocking each blow and returning with either a punch or point blank range blast from one of her shotguns.

The faunus struggled to her feet, using her blade as a makeshift cane. Just as she finally stood up, she saw Weiss flying tits over apple cart in her direction.

Oh no.

Her two word approximation summed it up nicely. The white haired girl hit her squarely in the chest and the two fell to the ground in a tangle of limbs and hair. Yang again walked toward the two, obviously in no hurry, when the loud sound of a ringing scroll cut through the air.

"Aw, come on." The blonde sighed and, closing her gauntlets, motioned for a time-out. Glancing at the caller ID she grinned and put it on speakerphone. "Hey sis, how's it _Yang_ing?"

"Yang! I wanted to know how your mission went!" The voice of the team's leader, who had been left behind to finish some homework, filtered through the scroll's speakers.

"Wellll…" Yang scratched the back of her head. Blake helped Weiss up and the two joined the brawler at her scroll. "Let's just say it was mostly successful, how was your day Rubes?"

"I don't know what I made, but it smells great!" came the response from the scroll. Blake froze, Weiss gave the device a dirty look, and Yang laughed.

"What did it start as?" the blonde asked.

"Food!" came the helpful reply.

Blake cleared her throat. "What is it now?"

"I'm not sure," Ruby admitted, sounding guilty. "I wanted it to be good, so I made lunch for it. Now I don't have lunch for you guys anymore, since it ate your servings too, but you guys didn't come back for lunch anyway, so I guess it doesn't really matter."

Weiss looked like she was debating going back _at all_. "Um, Ruby, do the things you make, do they usually, you know…?"

"Achieve sentience and walk around on their own? Yeah, usually. Yours don't?" Ruby sounded genuinely surprised.

Blake sighed. "Ruby, food, as a general rule, shouldn't be alive when you eat it."

The heiress nodded, and Blake swore that Yang was trying not to laugh. "_Really!_ I mean, I can't believe you-" she huffed. "Making food that is alive…" She trailed off, a suspicious look suddenly on her face.

Ruby seemed oblivious to the disbelief that Blake and Weiss were now sharing, aided, in part, by Yang's inability to keep a straight face. "So when will you guys be coming back? I want to know because it currently looks like bloody vomit, but it smells so good that I'm sure it'll taste fine."

Yang made a face. "Can it please look like normal, _regular_ food for once, _please_."

There was a heavy sigh from the other side of the scroll. "Fiiiinnne. But you're in charge of dessert then. I gotta go make _boring_ food. Bye guys." There was a nearly inaudible 'click' as their leader hung up, and the three girls shared a silent look. Finally Yang spoke.

"If we're in charge of dessert, we'd better go pick it up now."

Weiss narrowed her eyes. "Excuse me, but I think we were still in the middle of something here Yang. Why would we have to leave _now_ exactly?"

"Ruby makes _amazing_ food, but if she doesn't get the sugary offerings of cakes, cookies, and pastries she won't let us eat it."

Blake blinked. "But we haven't finished up here."

"You stay here and do your thing then." Yang shrugged, grabbing her backpack from where she had hidden it amongst the foliage. "I am _not_ missing Ruby's cooking."

The white haired girl clenched her fists. "We can't just _do our thing_ without _you_ Xiao Long!"

"You're the _reason_ we're still out here," Blake pointed out. "Otherwise I would have gone home, and started reading an hour ago."

Weiss nodded. "Precisely. And _I _would have taken a nice long hot shower, and done some of my homework, and… why am I arguing this again?"

"Dunno." Yang said, shrugging again. "But I could use some help shopping if you want to come with."

At the word 'shopping' the heiress' eyes lit up like a streetlight. "Oh, why didn't you say so! _I_ am the expert when it comes to all things shopping. Let's go!"

Blake sighed and trudged after her teammates, wincing a bit as her bruises throbbed. "Whatever happened to team solidarity?" She muttered.

"Ruby's cooking." Yang replied, smirking.

"Aaaaand shopping!" Weiss' maniacal grin didn't fade all the way back to Beacon.

* * *

Blake was less than enthused about how the shopping trip went.

Weiss had been _everywhere_ at once, up and down the isles, offering deals, bargains, and even sales advice to the store associates. Blake had thought the heiress would have been disappointed when they didn't stop at any of the clothing stores, but it turned out the girl just liked the _act _of shopping; she didn't even have to buy anything to be happy.

It was, as far as the faunus was concerned, certifiably weird.

That wasn't the strangest thing during their shopping trip though. It turned out that Beacon's shops were currently _out_ of most sugary things. Bakeries, food vendors, and even restaurants had all been crippled by what appeared to be a severe dessert shortage. They weren't even the first group to come through looking for pasties and candy. Much of the academy seemed to be out scouring the city as well. They had seen team CVFY, and overheard Velvet bemoaning the lack of sweets, and the late hour at which they had set out to get them.

They had finally ended up calling a catering service that regularly worked for Weiss' family. The service was nice enough, and had provided the team with a tray of cookies, but had closed shortly after, with an 'out of stock, come back tomorrow' sign in the window.

Seriously, what was it, national sugar day or something?

Yang grinned. "Well, judging how hard it was to get these, Ruby is going to be one _very_ happy girl."

Weiss scowled. "If she eats all of them tonight Yang, I swear I don't care if she is your sister, I will kill her, mount her body in my study, and claim that I was driven to insanity due to exhaustion when they arrest me."

Yang waved her hand dismissively. "Nah, she'll be too tired to eat them all. If I know Ruby, she's been cooking since she got up. I can almost guarantee she'll sleep harder than _you_ do Weiss."

"What's that supposed to mean?" The white haired girl demanded, opening the door to the dorm building.

"Um, that you sleep like a rock," Blake supplied. "Seriously Weiss, you don't sleep as much as you do _hibernate_. Do you know how hard it is to get you up in the morning?" Weiss was still denying everything, when Yang pushed the kitchen door open and the entire team froze.

Ruby was apparently in a fight for her life with… a blob. There was no other way to describe the neon orange _thing_ that the young girl was currently forcing into the oven at gunpoint. Every time it lunged forward Crescent Rose would either discharge a round, or be swung in its general direction, forcing it back into the appliance.

Yang cheered as her sister finally got the oven door closed, and the temperature set. Ruby turned and bowed thatrically, as though accepting praise from a massive audience. "Thank you, thank you. Hold the salami, he _really_ doesn't like it." The cook grinned. "Hey guys, you're back late, everything okay."

Weiss dropped the bag of cookies. "Ruby Rose! What on earth was _that_? What are you doing? Why did...?" The heiress looked like she was going to faint.

Ruby looked at the oven, which was rattling slightly. Giving it a kick, stopping the shaking, she turned back to the trio standing in front of her. "That was the third course, I'm cooking, and are you okay Weiss?" The younger girl pointed to a chair next to the wall. "You look like need to sit down, Yang can you get her some water?"

Blake helped her teammate over to the chair, noticing, as she did so, that one of the pots was about to lose its lid. Something, covered in foam, _scuttled_ out from inside it. She couldn't really make out what it was, but it had _far _too many legs, that was for sure.

She was about to mention it, seeing as Ruby didn't even look in its direction as she grabbed a glass from the cupboard, and a meat tenderizer from a drawer. Blake held her tongue however, as, handing the glass to Yang, the cook casually slammed the tenderizer down on the… _thing; _hard enough that the counter shook. Whatever it was, it was clearly dazed enough that the red caped girl had no trouble grabbing it and throwing it back in the pot. The cook, unperturbed, then moved on to stirring the next pot, where she engaged in a slight wrestling match over a ladle with whatever was in said pot.

Weiss was just staring at the scene, her eyes glazed over in a manner reminiscent of someone who was questioning every decision they'd made up to this point; while Yang was grinning like a maniac as she watched her sister cook. "Soooo Rubes, when's dinner?"

Ruby turned back to look at her team. Blake noticed one of the pots the red clad girl hadn't already dealt with slowly start levitating off the stove. "I don't know, but I think it'll be done soon. Maybe an hour or two? I'll ring the bell, don't worry."

Blake pointed to the still floating pot, which now had waving black tentacles coming from under the lid, and had begun to move toward an ominous black portal that had just _appeared_ next to the window. She swore that there were noises emanating from it that sounded… well horrifying to be honest.

The youngest jumped. "Oh dust! Get back here!" She grabbed the pot, slamming it twice on the stove for good measure. The portal disappeared. "Thanks for noticing that Blake. It would have been hard to get it back if it had escaped."

"Where did that even lead?" Blake asked weakly, not really sure she _wanted _to know.

"No idea!" Ruby responded cheerfully. "That's what would have made it so hard to get back." Another one of her pots started shuffling off the stove, she sighed. "Yang-"

"You got it." The brawler grinned, striding across the room. With a loud clang her gauntlet bounced off the lid of the pot, making it stop and causing a pitiful whimper from the pot.

Ruby blinked. "Yeah that'll work," she decided. "I just needed you to put it back on the heat, but I guess that'll do the trick too." She took the lid off of the one that had been levitating earlier, and held it up as she looked inside. Over her shoulder Blake could see… well nothing really. As far as the faunus could tell it was just a swirling mass of darkness.

And eyes.

_Way_ too many eyes.

And teeth.

Way too many of those too,

She looked away. "Ruby, _what _are you making?"

"Dinner!" Came the happy response from the girl at the stove. The oven opened and something neon purple slammed into the wall above where Weiss was sitting, eliciting a slight shriek from the white haired girl. Ruby shot the, now closed, oven door a dirty look. "Why don't you guys go upstairs? I have to finish off dinner." Rolling up her sleeves as she started marching toward the oven, the smaller girl grabbed her scythe from where it was propped up against the sink.

Yang just laughed. "Sounds good sis." She winked. "Call us if you need us."

"Yeah. Of course." Ruby waved her off, obviously distracted. Glancing inside the oven, Blake swore that she could see a sea of stars and asteroids, and even a couple planets. Deciding she was better off not knowing, she helped Weiss stand up, and carefully made her way out of the kitchen, silently swearing not to eat _anything _at dinner.

* * *

Blake was still reading her book when Weiss finally came back to herself.

"Yang, what on Remnant is you sister _doing_ downstairs?"

"Cooking." Yang's matter-of-fact way of saying that suggested that this was a regular occurrence for the brawler.

Blake sighed as she closed her book. "Yang, cooking does not include eldritch abominations, unspeakable horrors being shoved into ovens, or portals to the beyond being opened as part of the process of making the food edible."

Yang shrugged, not looking up from the magazine she was reading on the floor. "It always has at my house. Why do you think I let Ruby do the cooking?"

Weiss was clearly struggling for words, so Blake pressed on. "Yang, that's not normal."

"Maybe not," Yang glanced up, "but the way I look at it, it's not hurting anyone, and pretty much everyone here _likes_ that Ruby cooks. Her food is pretty good, and I think she only created a _small _black hole that one time she made the pasta primavera. The time anomalies usually work themselves out for the best, and she put the universe back the way she found it whenever she accidentally destabilized it."

"She did _what!_" Weiss shrieked. "How in the name of the brothers did she _destabilize the universe!?"_

"She used jumping beans in the tacos instead of black beans." The blonde looked back down at her magazine, ignoring the horrified looks her teammates were giving her. "Ruby knows how to cook. Maybe she's not as good at it as you guys are used to, but I'd ask you not to tell her that. She takes pride in her cooking, and has been wanting to cook for you guys for a while." The brawler shook her head, chuckling as she did so. "She's tried like a dozen times to make you guys dinner, but you've always been called away at the last minute. The entire dorm knows about her cooking, so it's kind of become a tradition to-" A loud clanging came from downstairs as someone started ringing a bell. Yang leapt up. "Dinner time."

Blake swallowed hard. "I guess…"

Weiss scowled. "Fine, but don't expect me to like it."

Yang grinned. "Awesome."

The faunus was surprised at the number of students in the hallway. It looked like most of the dorm was jostling for a place downstairs. There was a small clearing in which they found team JNPR.

"I'm just sayn'." Nora was bouncing around as usual. "I can clear us a path real quick, no trouble."

"No Nora," Ren sighed. "Your 'clearing us a path' is the reason that Professor Ozpin has banned us from using our weapons in the dorms if Ruby is cooking, remember?"

"Ooooh Yeeeaaaah." The redhead paused, before whipping out her hammer. "Well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him!'

"Um, Nora." Pyrrha, who was holding a plate of what were clearly homemade cookies, intervened. "Right now, I have breakable things." She held up the plate. "And you know that we can't get in without something to give to Ruby, so how about we delay the smashing? Just for a little while, okay?"

Jaune let out what was clearly a sigh of relief, before turning and coming face to face with WBY and jumping slightly. "Oh," he stuttered. "Um, hey Yang, Blake, W-Weiss."

Weiss snorted, rolling her eyes slightly, while Yang waved. Blake however, was confused. "Just how long has Ruby been doing this?"

"Oh jeez!" Nora lounged on her hammer. "I dunno! It seems like forever. She always says she'll save us a spot, since we're one of the first people who came, but you never know with people like these." She pointed to team CVFY, who were carefully making their way down the stairs, Yatuhashi nearly invisible behind a massive chocolate five tiered cake.

Weiss and Blake shot Yang a surprised look, and the brawler shrugged. "I told you she was doing this for awhile."

"We're just waiting for some of the students to clear out." Pyrrha supplied. "Why don't you go ahead, we'll be down in a bit."

"Call me if you need any help moving people!" Nora called out as the three teammates continued downstairs.

The first floor was even more jammed with students, some making their way outside, while others were trying to get into the dining room. Apparently several of the older students had taken it upon themselves to act as coordinators, comparing names to a list that Ruby must have given them and either sending people into the dining room, or outside on the lawn. Blake was about to get in line with the rest of her team, when she noticed there was an unread message from Ruby on her scroll. Flipping it open, she nearly panicked as she saw the request.

_Need help. Ples brng fire extingusher._

Not bothering to worry about why she had texted her faunus teammate and not her sister, Blake grabbed a convenient extinguisher from where it was sitting outside the dining room and raced to the kitchen.

Shoving through the students, she burst into the kitchen to see Ruby calmly adding the garnishes to several dishes. No fire in sight.

"Ruby." She gasped. "I'm here. Are you all right?"

The younger girl glanced up. "Huh? Yeah, I'm fine." Her eyes darted to the fire extinguisher in the faunus' hand and she laughed. "Jeez, took you guys long enough. If I'd been on fire, I'd be a crisp right now."

Blake blinked. "So you weren't on fire."

Ruby shook her head. "Nope. There was just a minor issue with a fire demon. He got Crescent Rose away from me, and I thought I might need some backup."

"Demon?" Blake wasn't sure she'd heard right. "Like, sell your soul to the devil your lover-"

"-and live forever at the expense of another, yep pretty much." Ruby agreed cheerily. "Anyway, turned out that he can't play poker to save his life, or his soul rather, so now I have his soul _and_ a debt to be called on in the future." The red-clad girl sighed. "I'm sorry I freaked you out, but I was a little concerned when you guys didn't come down, sooooo," she shrugged, "turnabout is fair play."

Blake looked over the food that her friend had prepared. There was no sign of the horrors she had seen before (at least from the food, the kitchen still looked like a warzone) instead there were a myriad of dishes, three roasts, four turkeys, six hams, and a plethora of pastas and vegetables. A cornucopia of fruits and assorted snacks made up the center plates, and there were several condiments spread around the table. "How are you going to get this out to the tables?"

Ruby was about to answer, when Gylinda appeared in the doorway, shot the girls a mischievous wink, and walked down the hall, the food gently floating behind her as she departed. Blake gave her teammate an impressed look.

"Um, she likes my cooking?" Ruby blushed slightly. "Anyway, did you have anything else for me, or should we go eat?"

Blake sighed, she shouldn't say anything really. It would probably upset the younger girl, and yet… "You know there are easier ways to cook, right Ruby?"

The younger girl thought for a moment, before smiling and opening the fridge. "Where is- ah." Pulling out a raw chicken breast, she made her way over to the stove, where she plopped it into the frying pan that was sitting there. Turning on the stove she motioned Blake over, and the faunus, warily, joined her.

"This, I assume, is what you're referring to?" Ruby gently flipped the piece of meat over, and Blake nodded. Ruby laughed. "Fun, isn't it?" She picked up the pan, and tilted it back and forth, sliding the cooking chicken around the rim of the pan. "No worries, in ten or so minutes, depending on heat, thickness of the meat, spices, and a few other things; including prevailing air pressure, we'll have 'food.'" She used the pan to gently flip the meat again, showing how it was brown on either side. "There's so much _more_ to food though." She stared at the chicken, watching it as it cooked. "It's _life._ Mine, yours, the chicken." She grabbed the salt and pepper, gently flicking some onto the bird. "The plants, the life is _there_. It doesn't just stop when the chicken dies, when the plant is harvested, and there's _more_." She looked up. "I can cook an entire feast for the school like this, no problem." She laughed. "I'd probably die of exhaustion at the end of it, but I could do it. Or, I can expand their horizons a bit." With a wink, she grabbed some sugar, Crescent Rose, and a few other spices Blake didn't immediately recognize.

She ejected one of the bullets from her rifle, Blake couldn't tell which type; they all looked the same to her, and cracked it open, spreading the dust among the still cooking meat. "Food is life." She repeated, even as she added the other spices, causing the meat to melt and bubble. "Life continues," The meat began to take on a new form. "Life evolves." She added a bit of sugar. "Life changes." The meat was still cooked, but it had taken on a much lighter color. "Life grows." A sprinkle of water was added as the meat began to seemingly expand. "Life _is._" She looked up, reaching for a lemon as she did so. "Life ends, and begins or continues, often in the same place. As food for the wider world." A bit of lemon was added to the meat. She smiled warmly, sliding what was now very obviously fish onto a nearby plate. "Here." The small girl said. "My gift to you."

Tentatively, Blake grasped the offered plate, and took a bite.

Ruby smiled as the faunus chewed. "I could cook 'normal,' but that's not the same as defying the laws of the universe, meddling in things no mortals should ever be a part of, or going toe to toe with the evils of the multiverse."

"It's..._good_."

"Thanks, Blake."

* * *

**Working Title: Ruby's Cooking. Yeah, imagination isn't a thing with me... says the writer.**

**Scotland was a bust, and I still don't understand Scottish. I also learned that leprechauns are further south, and that's why I still don't have any gold. ****Anyway, I'm tracking my muse through the Alps of Europe this week. I think she's over the next slope, and I may have something else to post soon.**


End file.
